Burying It (Part 17)

“I am pacing fast through the fairly sporadically lit footpaths stretching the length of the park. Apart from running into one dog walker, the rest of the park seemed abandoned and I genuinely preferred that. As much as I wanted to talk, to talk things through, I had no intention of being social that night.”

Burying It (Part 16)

“  It was good to talk to someone, someone that not only had a sympathetic ear, but someone outside of our close friend group, an outsider. But more so for me, it was a huge relief to be able to talk about the issue at hand with someone who isn’t going to judge.”

Burying It (Part 15)

“We got dressed and with a sense of shame and disappointment I once again exited the hotel, but this time the cold chilly air of the night was brutal. It felt like the air was attacking my senses and sending tingling sensations right over my outer ears and nose. I felt like I was being punished for not being able to control my emotions and allow for other matters to stop me from being able to perform.”

Burying It (Part 14)

“The sun finally emerged, and the day was beginning to take shape. I took a walk through the pitstops and noticed the forever tired and frustrated faces of the mechanical teams that had been awake for the last 20 hours and doing their absolute best to keep their cars on the race course.”

Burying It (Part 13)

“That deep uncomfortable feeling in the depths of my stomach would not go away. It was an underlying pain that had every intention of bothering my well-being throughout anything else that I was doing. Work became something I could not even think about, or even force myself to sit in front of the computer and edit, because the only thing that I want to do right now is to distract myself from this feeling of impending doom that is brewing deep inside my stomach.”

Burying It (Part 12)

“Sitting there in the car next to that person, feeling overcome with apprehension, anxiety and the fear of the unknown was uncomfortable to say the least. The metaphorical air was so thick that you could have cut it up with a butter knife and served as some sadistic course at a soul crushing dinner convention.  “

Burying It (Part 11)

“But as much as I was trying to rationalise and solve the question, I soon realised that the continuous obsession would eventually wear me down. I would be stuck living in the past, because for all intents and purposes memories seemed to be the place where there was more variety and potential for something to happen.”

Burying It (Part 9)

“That evening after I talked to you, I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened. I got dressed and left the house. And I just walked. That’s the only thing at that time I knew how to do, it didn’t require anything else but motor function. I wondered the empty streets of the old town for hours, circling back to the same streets every half an hour or so. With each and every pass the same cobblestones and streetlights seemed to augment, my surroundings were becoming more and more hostile, and I began to feel incredibly uncomfortable. I felt as if the inanimate objects and the world around me was judging me for the choices I had made. “

Burying It (Part 8)

“I had missed my chance, my chance at bringing up the feelings and questions that what had been brewing in my mind. I had blown it and had no idea if the opportunity to talk about it would ever come up again. He had left but my feelings had not.”

Burying It (Part 7)

“There was silence during that short drive over, and as much as my internal voice was screaming with questions, I kept it under control and just went along. We parked up and walked into the shopping centre towards the restaurant for our meal. “

Burying It (Part 6)

“I assumed that in the morning when we got up, he would bring this up and put it down to some sleep and dream related occurrence, a mistake or an accident, but again I was very surprised to find out he didn't mention it, or even change his demeanour. He was happy and very contempt as if what had happened was perfectly normal. This left me feeling very conflicted and hesitant to bring any of it up, but I felt that I had to at some point. “

Burying It (Part 5)

“The immediate shock of the extreme cold hit my body and I quickly rotated and made sure to cover my back with the snow and ran straight back inside, from the extreme cold into the extreme heat of the sauna.”

Burying It (Part 4)

“Although we had come to blows on such a small aspect of the production process we both knew how to move forward and make a compromise. It is not often that two people with strong opinions can understand each other and move past these problems without any fallout, from this day I felt that our friendship was going to be one of a kind.”

Burying It (Part 3)

“I wasn't too comfortable with the idea but he kept insisting and after reassurance that he was all good with the idea of sleeping right next to me, I decided to save my back the pain of sleeping on the sofa downstairs. The night was peaceful, apart from some incredibly annoying and disruptive snoring. “

Are We There Yet?

“I crave change, I crave to take that person who I was back then and mould it back into something new. Something that I can accept and understand that if my persona is for some people too much to deal with, then maybe, just maybe, they aren't the right people.”